Last year I saw a facebook post about children not sharing. It made me think, and gave me food for thought. It is something I have thought about many times since, especially when looking after my grandchildren.
As children grow up and start to play, we tell them that they MUST share. However - I now think this is entirely wrong. It is nice to share, it is kind, but telling them all the time that they MUST share, is not right. Some may disagree with me, claiming that if children don't learn to share, they will be selfish as adults.
How have I come to this conclusion? Well, the article started with a boy going to the park with his parent, and a toy. The other children at the park wanted to play with the toy - but these were children who were unknown to the boy and his parent. The response of the children was "You have to share". It all became very clear to me at that point. Why does the boy have to share his toy with children that he doesn't know? I see it with my grandchildren as well; one of my granddaughters will tell her siblings that they have to share - but she doesn't like sharing things herself, and will have a tantrum if I apply the same rules to her that she applies to her siblings.
The problem is "You have to share" seems to be an excuse for taking a toy because you want to play with it. This is what I've observed - and that the child says "you have to share" at the same time as taking the toy. Why should a child give up the toy they are playing with, just because someone else wants to play with it? If we insist that children share, we are helping to create entitled children - and entitled adults. Some of the difficulty I see with my grandchildren is down to their differing stages of development. Three of them are at the playing alongside stage - that they can play by themselves, while sitting next to someone else; they are happy with what they are doing, they don't feel the need to interact with other children, because the toy has their attention. Three other grandchildren are at the stage of collaborative play, where they want to play with someone else, they want the interaction with each other. My grandchildren don't realise this is what is going on, and the younger ones don't understand why their older siblings have to take the toys.
This idea of sharing can create problems within the sibling group - and outside it. If we insist that children share, they don't get to feel that the toy is special to them, which can lead to them not taking care of it. They don't have the sense of ownership, so don't learn about looking after things. In addition, there will be a winner and a loser here - and one of my granddaughters always wins, while another always loses. The older one gets her way - and woebetide anyone who tries to level the playing field. I've started trying to even things up recently - and I will tell my grandchildren that they don't HAVE to share, and that just because they want to play with a toy someone else is playing with doesn't mean that they have to be allowed to play with it. Something children to need to learn to do, is to wait patiently, and take turns - and "you have to share" is somewhat at odds with taking turns. One granddaughter has learnt that if she doesn't get her own way and then starts crying, she will then get her own way; it is taking quite an effort to help her get out of this cycle. I don't do anything special - I just ignore the crying, and when it continues I tell her that the tears will have no effect on me - and I won't be giving in, and then ignore the crying again. She is now starting to get it - and she knows that I still love her, and that things will be okay.
Why is it okay NOT to share? The mother in the facebook post gives an example of how we wouldn't allow it as adults, and I will go further. Would it be okay for someone doing exam work to say "Let me see your answers - you have to share" - no, of course it wouldn't. What about someone taking items from your shopping bag because they want it, and saying "you have to share" - we wouldn't let it happen. Even worse, taking the analogy to the extreme - "let me play with your body, your husband, your wife, your children, your partner - you have to share!". Obviously this last example is extreme, but how far do we take sharing?
As I searched for the facebook post, I came across another article; it builds on the original post, and suggests that the mother is teaching her son to say "no". This is a very important lesson - that we have the right to say no to something we feel uncomfortable with. Children will share when they want to, and they will learn to do the right thing. It is perfectly acceptable to say no, and something that some adults have a problem with - they feel pressured to say 'yes' to things. I know that I often feel that I have to say 'yes' to something, even when I want to say 'no'. We need to learn to say 'no' - it is in our best interests, and necessary to our mental health. How often do we replay the situation in our heads, the feeling bad for saying 'no' - simply because we needed to take care of ourselves.
So, don't tell me that I HAVE to share - I don't. If I really, really like you, I may share some of my sewing notions and equipment with you. It may be that I may even share some of my fabric stash with you - but don't tell me that I HAVE to share myself, because I don't, and I won't.
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